Constantly Inconstant

Oh, the world. The earth is constantly changing, the people are constantly looking for something new, the world is always in motion. We live in a world of momentum. Act and react, go and keep going, stop and do nothing. But either way, there's always something happening. And we are always changing. I know this because that is how I am. I'm constantly moving, constantly changing. I'm constantly inconstant. One day I'll like this article of clothing and the next I'll decide that I prefer the other. One day I'll be so happy and the other I'll be in the dumps. One day I'll have made my mind up on something, and the other I'll change it again. So this is something you should know about me. You must keep up or I'll leave you in the dust. Because this is the only thing about myself I'm certain of: I never stay the same.

Guys yay.

Phew! Taking big leaps is not my thing. Wellp, that was fun. Woo.

Penny Project

http://penniesandpencils.blogspot.com/

My spring/summer project. I'll probably be writing there more often so check it out.

That's it. I need something to write about. I need a sort of theme to follow for a while. Like a project or something. This just is so blah. I never know what to talk about. *Sigh*

Get up already.

If someone is depressed, my first instinct is to try and cheer them up. But when it's my fault that that person is depressed, my hands are tied. I have nothing I can do because you don't want to see my face again. I try to tell you to get over it, to tell you I'm unimportant, but you just won't let me go. You won't stop missing me. It's tying us both down. Get over it. Let us be friends again. All I did was tell you what I wanted. I want to kick your ass back into shape, so that we can get back to where we used to be; back to when we were friends, but I can't do that unless you let me. Look, the past is the past, you need to accept it. Unless you want to swim in your own self-inflicted misery, get up. Get over it. It's all I'm asking. Just get up and stop being depressed. You got the easy end of it, believe me. All you ended up with was a broken heart and masochistic holes in your skin. I ended up friendless and guilty. I ended up being the one trying so hard to pick up the pieces. I ended up being the one keeping you from hurting yourself. Look around  you, please. Everything I did I did because I cared. About both you and me. So get the hell up and let's start over.

Questions!

I've realized that I'm constantly writing, yet I never write on this blog. I'll write in a notebook or on a scrap piece of paper or on the computer, but never here. So let me rummage through my computer and find something interesting you guys can read.
Mkay, found something. 100 questions that I had answered in December but never felt like sharing with anyone:
1) Are you really ready for 1OO questions? ._. Nooo.
2) Was your last real relationship a mistake? I wish it wasn't, but it feels like it. Why the heck is this the first real question? -.-
3) Do you miss your last relationship? Nah.
4) Who did you last say “I love you” to? My mom.
5) Do you regret it? NEVEEEER!
6) Have you ever been depressed? I am right now ._.
7) Are you a girl or boy? Pff, I'M A BOY!
8) Are you insecure? Sometimes, yeah.
9) What is your relationship status? Single and happy.
10) How do you want to die? Saving someone's life heroically. Or maybe blowing something up and getting caught in the explosion.
11) What did you last eat? A tiny bit of chicken that I had deboned to make soup for my mom and Jerry who are both really sick.
12) Played any sports? I played volleyball for a little bit.
13) Do you bite your nails? I've never had that habit.
14) When was your last physical fight? Just now. My sister just punched me. And I punched her back.
15) Do you have an attitude? Sometimes. My sister says yes.
16) Do you like someone? Maybe ._.
17) What is your real name? ... I'M NOT TELLING.
18) Ever smoked smarties? Uhh... Why the heck would I do that?
19) Who is your best friend? Keren-ha, Meagan, Halley, Mik, Lily and Alex.
20) Do you hate anyone at the moment? Not hate, just very strongly dislike.
21) Do you miss someone? Yes u.u
22) Twirl or cut your spaghetti? Twiiiirl!
23) Do you tan a lot? I can tan easily, but I never like to.
24) Have any pets? Yes, I have 3 dogs, 2 cats and a snake.
25) How exactly are you feeling? At the moment, I am frustrated that there is no internet in the place that I'm staying and my jaw kind of hurts from where my sister punched me and I'm missing someone and wanting to talk to them and I'm mad at this person and I would like to hurt said person that I am mad at and I'm worried about my mom and Jerry because they are sick and I'm wondering when Mik is going to Guadalajara tomorrow.
26) Ever eaten food in a car while someone or yourself is driving? Yeah?
27) Ever made out in the bathroom? ._. No.
28) Can you touch your tongue to your nose? No. I just tried. I can't.
29) Are you scared of spiders? Nah, they're cute. I've held tons of tarantulas.
30) Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? Heck yes.
31) Do you regret anything from your past? I do.
32) What are your plans for this weekend? New Year's party at Mik's! :D
33) Do you want to have kids? Yeah, but waaay later.
34) Did you ever kiss someone whose name starts with an B? Nah.
35) Do you type fast? Here, let me turn around and ask my sister what she thinks. "Lily, do you think I type fast?" "Mhm-- what?" "do you think I type fast?" "Mhm." Yeah, I guess I type fast.
36) Do you have piercings? They're all closing up D:
How many? 3
37) Want any more? Yesss.
38) Can you spell well? Yes, of course. I'm a grammar and spelling Nazi.
39) Do you miss anyone from your past? Yeah....
40) What are you craving right now? INTERNET! (If you can crave that.)
41) Ever been to a bonfire party? Yeah, sorta.
42) If you won the lottery how would you spend it? I would give it to people and then save the rest for college.
43) Have you ever been on a horse? Yeah, of course.
44) Favorite Random Song? Casimir Pulaski Day by Sufjan Stevens.
45) Have you ever broken someone’s heart? I dunno, they seemed pretty down and then 2 weeks later got another girlfriend. Go ask them.
46) Have you ever been cheated on? Not that I am aware of.
47) Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry? Hehehe, yeah.
48) Are you thinking of someone right now? Yeah ._.
49) Would you live with someone without marrying them? I don't think so, unless it was like, a roommate thing xD
50) What should you be doing? Right now, I'm doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing.
51) What’s irritating you right now? Someone is irritating me right now.
52) Have you ever liked someone so much that it hurts? Ooooh yeah.
53) Does somebody love you? My mom?
54) What is your favorite color? Black and blue, maybe purple.
55) Have you ever changed clothes in a vehicle? I think so, when I was little.
56) Milk chocolate or white chocolate? How about dark chocolate?
57) Do you have trust issues? Yeah, I do.
58) Mom's name? Kristina Morgan
59)Dad's name? Joel Barker
60) Do you have a good relationship with your parents? Yeah, they're great :)
61) Longest relationship? 5 months, with Andrew.
62) Do you believe your most recent ex thinks about you? I hope not.
63) Who was the last person you cried in front of? I can't remember... I think it was my mom.
64) Do you give out second chances too easily? Way too easily.
65) Is it easier to forgive or forget? It's never easy, but it's always better.
66) Is this year the best year of your life? Hmm, I don't know. Every year is kinda average.
67) What was your child hood nickname? Maya ._. As always.
68) Have you ever walked outside completely naked? Uh, no?
69) Favorite food? MEXICAN FREAKING FOOD.
70) Do you believe everything happens for a reason? Yeah. Life is a whole big book, albeit a sometimes badly written one, seeing as there are a lot of loose ends not tied up in the end and sometimes it can have a sucky ending.
71) What is the last thing you did before you went to bed lastnight? I cried and then took my medicine ._.
72) Did you have a dream last night? Yeah, I was in a ship and it was kind of like Unwind and The Hunger Games combined all on a ship. It was fascinating.
73) What is bothering you? Someone is bothering me because she's being really rude.
74) Have you ever been out of state? I am right now ^^ I've been to Canada and Mexico.
75) Do you play the Wii? My brother owns one *shrug*
76) Are you listening to music right now? Nope, I wish.
77) Do you like Chinese food? Yessss :)
78) Do you know your fathers birthday? Yeah, it's August 27th.
79) Are you afraid of the dark? Yeah ._.
80) Is cheating ever okay? Never. It's never okay.
81) Are you mean? I really try not to be.
82) Can you keep white shoes clean? Hahaha, no.
83) How many people have you fist fought? Lily, she just punched me, remember?
84) Do you believe in true love? Yeah, I've seen it. It's rare, though.
85) Your favorite weather? Cold and rainy :)
86) Do you like the snow? I haven't seen it since I was 3, so I don't know. I think I do.
87) Does it snow a lot where you live? What did I just say?
88) Do you like the outside? Yeah.
89) Are you currently bored? Not really.
90) Do you wanna get married? Yeah.
91) Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby? Ugh, no. I don't really like it.
92) Are you hungry? Yeah, a little bit.
93) Have you ever made out for more than a half hour straight? Uhh, what do you think I do? Time every make-out session? I don't even make out.
94) What makes you happy? I have a list.
95) Would you change your name? Yeah, I would.
96) Favorite Song? Casimir Pulaski Day, I'm pretty sure.
97) Ever been to Hawaii? Nah. Chapala's waaay better.
98) Do you watch the news? I try to.
99) What’s your zodiac sign? Libra.
100) Do you like Subway? Haha, yeah. It amuses me that this is the last question.

And then my more recent questions that I also did not feel like submitting.
These were in January, I think.

Is there anyone you're holding onto, even though you know you shouldn't?
There was Jason, but I let him go. Everything's okay now.
Be honest; are you dating the last person you kissed?
Well no... Not yet. I don't think.
 Do you seek approval from your friends before going out with someone?
Some friends, yes. Only my closest friends.
What are you sitting on right now?
My bed because I'm really sore from yesterday and all.
Will you have a boyfriend/ girlfriend in 6 months?
If I'm ready, then most likely.
How often do you say 'lol' in a computer or text conversation?
Only when I find something REALLY funny.
 The last person you kissed calls you, what are they calling for?
Either he's really sad or just wants to talk to me.
 When was the last time you were at a hotel and why were you there?
In Monterrey. We had an overnight layover.
 If the last person you kissed, saw you kissing someone else, would they be mad?
Maybe not mad, but very upset. I think that'd be a stupid thing to do on my part.
Do you think its cute when someone kisses your forehead?
Yeah. Only if they're taller than me though, 'cause then that might be weird.
Are there things in your life that you'll never be able to get over?
Does a weak stomach count?
When will your next kiss be?
Next time he uses a tab?
Last place you went besides your house?
Noah's school, I think.
Who is the last person to call you?
Jerry, he was asking if we needed any sausage.
How are you feeling right now?
Sore and kinda out of it. Well, very out of it
 What item could you not go without during the day?
My cell phone u.u
Have you ever passed out on the bathroom floor?
I think I did once, but it was because I had the fever. Can't remember.
Who can you always vent to?
I vent to a lot of different people, usually the people I have a problem with. Or a friend. *shrugs*
Have you ever made out with someone the first night you met them?
Uh, no? Also, what's up with you and your obsession with kissing?
What were you doing 30 minutes ago?
Driving home from dinner
 Honestly, who was the last person to tell you that they love you?
Err... Alex.
 Did you have an exciting last weekend?
Yeah, I hung out with Alex most of the time. It was fun. We went to an art museum and played Pacman xD
Have you ever crawled through a window?
Mhm. Always fun, that is.
 What do you spend most of your money on?
What money? o.O
 Where were you at 1AM sunday morning?
Asleep.
 Who was your last text from?
Ninja.
Ever kissed someone over 30? Who?
Noooo.
Are you wearing a necklace? If so, who is it from?
Negative.
Is their someone you wish you could have fixed things with?
I guess. I dunno
Is there anything in your past that you'd like to try again?
How about make sure never happened? ._.
What's something that can always make you feel better?
Hugs.
Did your parents spoil you as a child?
Kind of. Spoiled in love and all.
 How's your heart lately?
In a literal sense, fine. In an emotional sense, confused, I guess.
 Will this weekend be a good one?
I think so. If I do anything.
What do you want right now?
To cuddle.
 Who can always cheer you up?
Keddy
 Have you ever gone nude/streaked in public?
No?
 Who hugged you last?
Mom, I think. Maybe it was Tolson. Not sure.
 Have you ever worn the opposite sex's clothing?
Yeah.
What is your relationship status?
Single or something. O.o
 Look behind you, what do you see?
A new jacket, my bag, my bed and a closet.
 Have you ever worked in a food place?
Negative.
 Who was the last person to Facebook chat you?
PEDROOOO!
 What would you name your future daughter?
Silver, Aiden or Maximum.
 Who was the last person to see you cry? When?
I do not remember. I think it was mom. I'm pretty sure it was mom.
What will you name your future son?
Haydn or Alexander :3
Have you held hands with anyone in 2012 yet?
Yeah...
What will you be doing after this?
Probably lay in my bed or something.
Do you miss having a girlfriend/boyfriend?
Kinda. Sorta. I mean, I do, in a sense, but I also don't. I dunno.
Is there anything you wish you could say to an ex?
I WANT MY YEN BACK, WITCH!
Did your last kiss mean anything?
Maybe....
Is the person you last texted single?
Yes, but does not want to be.
Last person you wanted to punch in the face?
Someone I probably should not name.
What are your initials?
MCB
Is there someone that you used to talk to every single day but you don't now?
Yeah, I used to.
 How are you?
Longing, sore. Very, very sore.
Has anyone ever tried to ruin a relationship you were in?
I guess kinda.
 Ever get hurt by someone who promised they wouldn't?
Yeah.
What is something that REALLY bugs you?
PLAGIARISM OH MY GOD KILL IT!
Can you ice skate?
Absolutely.
 Are you a happy person?
Sometimes. Not an enthusiastic OH MY GOD I AM SO HAPPY TODAY LET ME SPREAD MY HAPPY LIKE MOUTH HERPES happy but Oh hai, today is nice. I shall enjoy today and hug Ninja.
Where are you?
In my room on a chair.
Are you going to be in a relationship tomorrow?
Tomorrow never comes, so suuuuuure.
Are you happy with your life?
I guess. Not like I can change much of it.
Have you ever been suspended or expelled from school?
Hehehehehe.
Can you handle the truth?
I welcome the truth. COME AT ME BRO
Does anything on your body hurt right now?
EVERYTHING OH MY GOD MY RIBS, MY CALVES, MY ANKLES, MY ARMS, MY SHOULDERS, MY ABDOMEN, EVERYTHING!!!!
If someone said, "I don't talk shit about people", would you believe them?
Probably not.
Favorite color?
Blue and black.
Favorite season?
Autumn :)
Will you kiss the last person you kissed again?
Yeaaaaaaahhh.... :3
Does the last person you held hands with attend your school?
Yes indeed.
If you had to choose between a million dollars or be able to change a regret?
A million dollars! I can live with regret.
 Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with?
Nah, he's cool, he's cool.
If you could go back in time and change one thing, what would it be?
Not date Patrick. Ew.

Aaaaand now you have most definitely learned more about me that any of my blog posts could tell you. Enjoy the knowlegde. Scary, isn't it?

Nobody said it was easy...

While making a playlist on 8tracks, I just got a little moment to reflect on my past and the playlist ended up reflecting my mood.
I realized long ago all the mistakes I made and I am so, so sorry for all the promises I made you. I'm sorry because I broke every single one of them. They never lied when they said that you don't realize what you have until you've lost it. And I want you back. You were so real. You were so vulnerable and I hurt you. I know you will never forgive me for going numb... For letting you leave me. But I apologize for everything I did. I'll never forget the friendship we had, but I also won't forget how badly I messed it up.

http://8tracks.com/mayasshadow/just-to-make-it-up-to-you

Thank you, Moms Of The World.

Ever since my Christmas trip to Mexico, I think I've had a greater appreciation for mothers and family. Don't get me wrong, I've always loved family more than anything else, but while I was in Mexico, I didn't really have a home. I never slept in the same place more than three nights in a row, hopping around amongst family and friends. I thank everyone who gave me lodging, by the way.
On the day that I got my haircut, I didn't have anything to do or anywhere to go, so I decided that I should take Dad's motorcycle to Mik's and simply ask her if I could take a shower and be on my way. The hairs that were floating around everywhere were itchy and irksome, and I really wanted to get them off me. I had said goodbye to Keren-ha, who had the good grace to accompany me to get my hair cut, and I had somehow ended up with Dad's motorcycle (I don't really recall how, exactly), so I went to Mik's, the little red motorcycle doing an amazing job at not falling apart on the old cobbled streets.
I rang the doorbell, hoping that Mik was home. "¿Quién es?" asked Mikhaila's mom, Monica. I replied that it was Maya and asked if Mik was there? She told me that she was in Guadalajara and would be back at around 5 (this entire conversation went on between closed garage doors, by the way. It's rather uncomfortable talking to someone that you can't see).
"Uh... Okay. Although I'm not really here to see Mik. I have a strange question to ask," I said, kind of shyly, before continuing, "can I please use your shower?"
Monica laughed and opened the garage doors. "Of course, come in."
I locked the motorcycle and took my helmet off. I was having some technical difficulties locking the steering part (I have no idea what it's called) and it took me a couple of minutes to get it. I walked in the garage, glad to be out of the sun and to take a shower. She closed the garage doors and greeted me, and only then did I realize that she had a phone pressed to her ear. She walked off into her room, and I figured that that meant I was free to go take a shower. I went into Mik's room to find a shirt I could change into, as mine was covered in little hairs. I settled for a black Watchmen shirt, and took a shower (Thank you, by the way, Mik, for letting me use your clothes. It's very convenient).
Once I was out of my shower and the little hairs were off of me, I sort of just sat on the couch and waited for Monica to get off the phone so I could thank her and be on my way. She eventually came out, and hugged me, "So you said you need to take a shower?" She asked, and I laughed and told her I had already taken one. "Oh, great! Sorry Mikhaila isn't here, she went to Guadalajara with some friends but she will be back at around 5."
"Oh, that's fine. I really just needed a shower and I didn't really have anywhere else to go. Thank you so much for letting me use it," I said.
"What are you going to do now?" She inquired, and I told her I would probably just wander around Ajijic since I didn't really have anything else to do. "Well, why don't you stay here? You can read a book or get on the computer. Oh, let me make you some tea for your throat. Are you taking any medicine for it?" (I had a really sore throat at the time).
Let me say this right now, I love this woman. After very gratefully accepting her offer to stay at her house, she gave me some vitamin C and got a kettle out to make some tea. She asked me if I was hungry and if I was, I could make myself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and make myself at home. After assuring her that I was fine and thanking her for the millionth time for everything, she went back in her room and started wrapping Christmas presents.
Anyways, the point of this story is, I was so very grateful to Monica for letting me stay there and being so kind to me. I told Mik this later on, and she agreed that her mom was pretty great.
I have a great and deep appreciation for moms. I love my Mom to death and am so grateful for the way that she raised me. My Mom inspires me so much, and although I didn't use a story about her to explain my gratitude towards mothers, she is definitely the greatest mom I could ever have. Of course she's the only one, but still. I wouldn't have any other mother but her. Thanks Mom.
I guess the point of this post is to say, Thank you, Moms Of The World, for taking care of me and giving me a solid idea of what kind of mom I want to be when I have kids.

When there's nothing left to burn...

So, I decided to blog because I have nothing better to do because Lily abandoned me (thanks, Lil. I'm feeling the love) to hang out with her friends and mom and Jerry are running errands or something so I'm pretty much just sitting here, snapping the rare flea in two while I sit on the couch that I guess has been claimed by CJ (Lovely mental image, eh?).
So I don't really know what to do and I want to talk to Mik or Keddy (who seem to be the only people that I might have a chance of hanging out with during this vacation) and do something. Blaaah. This sucks and I'm bored and I want to do something but I have nothing to do so I don't know what to do!! -.-

This is how my brain works.

My life is so weird. So I'm sorta just gonna keep on writing until I figure out something interesting to talk about. Something about a dream is captivating my attention right now but I can't really remember what my dream was. I remember it was cool, though. That's it. I'm reading a book that is very interesting. It's like The Village meets Post-Zombie apocalypse meets... I don't know. The book. xP It's called The Forest of Hands and Teeth. Very interesting. So check it out sometime. I promised Alex I wouldn't go to bed until he did because he's all creeped out because of a nightmare he had and therefore only got half an hour of sleep and I feel sorry for him and so I'm staying up with him. What a good friend I am. ._. I'm so freaking excited for Mexico. I can't wait! I've been in need to see it again. I miss so much about it. Teenage dreams in a teenage circus... Blaah. Mkay. This is leading nowhere. I will stop boring you with a constant babble of an empty assembly of words. So, yeah.